Archive for March, 2010

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Choices.

March 31, 2010

On Monday I went to listen to a very unusual talk at St James’s Church at Piccadilly. Pat Magee, who is an ex IRA member who planted the Brighton bomb in 1984 spoke together with Jo Berry, the daughter of one of the MP’s who were killed in that blast. The two met in 2000 and now have a friendship that is based on the principle that there is nothing to forgive. The dynamics of the talk is hard to describe or even comprehend.

Jo: “Pat here is the man who killed my father.”

Pat: “The choice I made I had to make. It was the last resort and we had to do it. We had no other means left. But, I killed her father. I caused human suffering. There is a conflict inside of me.”

Jo: “There is nothing to forgive, because if I had been in Pat’s position, lived his life, I may have made the same choices. I may have not, but I may have. This is why there is nothing to forgive.”

Somebody in the audience stood up and said, if you could just admit that you were wrong, Pat, and we could go so much further, to recognize that there are other options than violence and help the communities that are struggling now.

Pat: “That is a difficult question. I don’t believe I had options. I don’t believe we had options. We were powerless and chose to use violence as a last resort. We lived in an oppressed community under a foreign force, a force that did have the power and chose to use violence as the first resort. I honestly don’t believe that at that time, under those circumstances we could’ve done anything else.

I must be honest. We all do. Otherwise it is pointless, this is pointless. We are not here to appear good, we are here to be real. It would be much easier if I could say, I did wrong, I killed some people, it was wrong and I regret it, I’m sorry – and move on. I wouldn’t have to live with the inner conflict. But, I do believe I had no choice. I did what I had to. And I killed Jo’s father.”

The talk left me very quiet inside, listening to something big, vast, incredibly important.

It reminded me of an article I read many, many years ago. A Palestinian family whose young son was killed in an Israeli offensive decided to donate their son’s organs, and donated them to an Israeli hospital to save an Israeli life.

So today I won’t write a blog entry about the annoyances of the road.

It’s too easy to get caught up in the immediate rubbish that happens here and now and forget the bigger picture: we are born, we die and we do things in between.

Does it matter what we do, in between?

I think it does. Surely that’s all that matters.

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Fear and Loathing

March 27, 2010

Somehow this blog has derailed into the dark back alleys again let’s try and steer it back into the bright lights of the main road. I don’t think I’m entirely or alone to blame, though. Why, I ask people how they are. And excuse me for saying this, but they are not all that well. We are not all that well.

I know not everybody likes me saying these things, but would you not agree?

“How are you?”

“Ehmmm. Let me put it this way. If I were a train in Piccadilly Line, I’d be at the Cockforsters depot waiting to have work done on me.”

Part of it is lack of work and financial worry. Part of it is something inherent in couriering, the result of hard physical labour that is repetitive, monotonous and dangerous. Eventually we arrive at a place where we are grumpy and moan if there is no work, and we are grumpy and moan if there is work, if the work goes the wrong way, the right way, is too heavy, is not ready, you name it.

Traffic being dangerous is a huge factor that I think we prefer to pretend is not there. Perhaps we don’t always remember it, because it is present at all times. No matter how good you are on your bike, there is always that small chance of something going wrong. Puncture in the wrong place, chain snapping or derailing, handlebar or forks snapping. There is always that slight chance that you missed something getting ready to cross a junction, a blind spot behind a rickshaw, a dog running across on a long lead. There is the chance that some amateur idiot manoeuvres into you in sudden change of mind and direction.

I rely on instinct a lot, perhaps too much, and so do many other riders. With the speeds that we cut through traffic there simply isn’t enough time to register everything on a conscious level. Traffic has a flow to it that you can follow, trusting that after each gap there will be another gap and another gap – you’ll always fit somewhere between something and something else. Almost always.

“I thought it was a gap but it wasn’t so I had to hop onto the pavement between a bin and a Land Rover but there was another something in my way so I ended up on the bonnet and over it. No, not too bad just bruised ribs.”

Lately I’ve been having these moments where a question pops in my head asking “Did you remember to look left there? Did you actually know if anyone was coming? Or did you just go? What if…?” I remember a story of a motorbike courier coming to work one morning, doing one uneventful job, and just riding back to the base to return his radio and go home and he never came back. He couldn’t do it any longer, it was too much. The road stress had caught up with him.

Do you ever put your head down approaching a junction and let the ears and instinct do the job? It’s a freaky feeling but you know what? I think we do that on a daily basis, all the time. The five senses aren’t enough to know everything that is happening around us, at any given moment in traffic we are also aware of it at another level. Sometimes it seems that this level alone does the job, which I find extraordinary.

Have you ever turned your head just to see a vehicle hurdling towards you? Gone to cross a junction at full speed and at the last second pulled out without any obvious reason — just to miss a BMW freewheeling silently across the junction at 40mph? Are you aware of what’s behind you at all times? How? Do you know when the driver ahead of you is about to turn without indicating or a cab driver about to pull in or out in front of you?

What’s that all about? How can we know all this? What is instinct?

Whatever it is, my life depends on it. That and a bit of luck. Which makes me wonder if these things ever run out. If they do, is that the end?

Often your judgement of the situation and the choices you make on the road are influenced by things like

  • how tired you are
  • how many times you’ve already stopped
  • how urgent the package is
  • how fed up you are
  • how lucky you feel.

What amazes me is that hour after hour, year after year your judgement is correct, you make the right choices. If you didn’t… and this I think is the core source of the stress and much of the anger that accumulates within us, if you didn’t —

In my first year on the road I did some pretty silly stuff but somehow got away with it. I don’t think I took it seriously at all, or understood the danger. I have crystal clear in my mind a conversation with an older courier, who, as I was laughing about getting a junction wrong or something, very plainly stated:

“Yeah, you’d be dead.”

That stopped my laughter. We may be very good. We are very good because against all the odds we are alive and mostly unharmed. Overall, we don’t have accidents very often and suppose you could say, well, it’s not very dangerous then is it.

It’s not the number of accidents that counts. It is the potential to a disaster that matters. Traffic has a certain flow to it, the patterns are always the same. Most situations you’ve encountered over and over again, you know exactly and without thinking what is safe and what is not. But the flow can be broken and new situations do arise.

You know how you slipstream a van in the inside and if it indicates left you move to the right just behind it to get to the other side? A courier in Dublin did this without checking properly his side and behind. The van was pulling a trailer behind it, the road bent left and he got squished in between the two. The trailer was an unexpected item in the equation of the traffic flow.

The scary thing is, you won’t know it before it happens. Once it’s happened you can’t undo it. And you’ve got your life at stake, the only one you have, the only one you’ll ever have unless you’re a Cat or a Buddhist and even then I wouldn’t be so sure.

This is the core of courier stress. Anything else, weather, controlling, just adds to it or takes away from it. I once tried to explain this to an office person:

“So, if you make a mistake, what happens?”

“I’ll get a talking to, or a warning if it’s bad. If I made many mistakes I could be let go I suppose.”

Here is the vital difference. If I make a mistake, just one mistake, but the wrong one, I’ll be dead. No warnings, no more job interviews.  Before it happens I won’t know it and after it has happened there is nothing to know.

This is why we get so angry with traffic and pedestrians. A careless mistake made by others is potentially fatal to us. It never was before, but that doesn’t mean it could not be. Inside, in the adrenal glands on top of the kidneys where self-preservation is stored and computed, we know it.

Let’s have a drink on that.

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Free Woman #1

March 26, 2010

Writing things down changes them. Sometimes I can let them go. But sometimes I grasp them even tighter, they become even dearer to me.

Sometimes writing things down allows me to feel how I really feel and not how I think I feel. Sometimes it opens a window into what is actually happening, what my life really is made of.

For example, I’d always felt uncomfortable about that episode in Dublin, with Cyclone. After writing it down I begun to feel proud. We did a good job, we didn’t stand and watch and let it happen. I had felt uncomfortable about my own motives for being the driving force, but after writing them down, they vanished and all that was left was pride. We did do a good job.

Who knows, had we continued with organizing and unionizing, maybe something would have come out of it, although I doubt it. The time wasn’t right. There were too many good jobs to be knocked out, enough money to be made to put away for sick days and holidays. Now, on the other hand — if there ever was a time when it would be good to be a courier with a minimum wage, that time is now.

To do it is simple. It’s an age old trick: get together, stick together, do it together and don’t give up until it’s done.

Goodbyes

Some of my favourite people are leaving. I suspect the hard winter and poor paychecks are at least partially to blame.

“It’s not fun anymore. It used to be fun. We were all laughing and cycling around and you didn’t have to worry about pay. You’d know it would be ok. Now there’s too much worry. Now we are all moaning and unhappy.”

He’s right. We worked hard but the return was good. So we were upbeat and happy and had energy to do things. Trying to adjust to the poor state of work is more exhausting than just doing the work.

“I’ve sat here for an hour now, I’ll sit here another hour and lose the will to cycle anywhere and then I’ll get a single job to NW5.”

Some of my favorite people are leaving and I’ll miss them. Resisting the temptation to say “I hope you’ll be back”, I say instead:

I hope you won’t be back.

24-24.

“You’re not a number, you’re a free woman.”

In the process of writing away the courier years, I’m coming to a realization that really it’s only or mostly the rules and cages that I created myself that have the power to bind me.

The rule of not going home. The rule of not calling in sick. The rule of not listening to the voices. The rule of being patient. The rule of getting on with it. The rule of not complaining. The rule of…

In that sense, I have indeed built my own prison, prison within the relative freedom of couriering. In reverse process, having a look at these rules, recognizing, acknowledging and getting rid of the ones I can creates freedom. Not relative but absolute freedom.

But it also seems to me that some of those rules are needed in the job — not required by my colleagues or controllers, but needed in the job itself, to be able to do it. Consequently, as long as I am a courier, I cannot go without them.

What a strange thought: 24tee can never be free.

A yet stranger thought: she may well be content in her prison.

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Revolution.

March 20, 2010

Talking of Dublin.

This is going to be a long and uninteresting post but if I don’t write it down now while I’m still a courier, I never will.  Something I’d nearly forgotten – an uprising and a revolution and changing of the world and whatnot and did it ever amount to anything? Except being blacklisted in a number of Dublin’s courier companies?

Year 2001 2002 and working for Cyclone in Dublin – not quite the McDonald’s it has now become but already being steered that way. Although a good company to work for, good clients and enough of them, they did have the poor habit of trying to make the couriers out of their bonus whenever they could. And, of course, you had to wear a uniform. Which most of us didn’t really mind, we were new to the game and quite glad that the company provided the essentials, neon yellow tights and rain jackets and a plastic bag that would bang against your ankles as you cycled.

We were mostly rookies, with only few long term couriers – older couriers had all moved on and many held a grudge against Cyclone, which I only came to understand – and share – later. Cyclone was very much the company to start with, Conor there must have trained 90% of Dublin’s couriers over the years he’s controlled at Cyclone.

“Working Conditions”

Cyclone had had something of a courier uprising the previous year, when a core group of long term guys got together and pushed through a pay rise, the first one in the history of Cyclone, I seem to remember. One of the main people doing this was 01 James, a law graduate and a grass roots activist tightly involved in labor/socialist movement.

Coming from a Social-Democratic country with incredible level of social security and workers’ rights, I spent many a standing-by hour improving the world and society with James. I couldn’t quite understand where his deep dislike – I’d almost say hatred – towards Cyclone the courier industry was coming from, I was quite happy to be out cycling and being paid for the jobs I did and not worrying about things like pension, holiday pay, sick pay and the rest. Until I had an accident and had to discover the realities of couriering the hard way.

I had signed a paper, paper that I now passionately and quite irrationally hate, stating that I was an independent contractor. But that was the small print and anyway, didn’t mean anything to me. As far as I was concerned, I got a pay slip every week with tax and National Insurance deducted and assumed I had basic security – being somewhat naive and very careless, the lack of insurance cover never even entered my mind.

When I had my very first rub off with a skip truck, the first question the other couriers asked was “Did you get his license plates?” I was like, what? I couldn’t get it in my head that if something happened to me I’d have to chase up payment myself through the courts. Until the said accident, that is.

Being out of work, in quick succession I found out that although PRSI (N.I.) was deducted from my wages, it was only my half of the contribution. The other half should be paid by the employer, or in my case, by myself as I was an independent contractor – a technical term that only acquired meaning in my mind when I struggled and failed to pay my rent with a fractured knee cap and eventually had to go home to my family to recover.

Uprising.

Early autumn that year Cyclone revamped their uniforms and changed the rules for wearing it – previously you could get away without doing it but you wouldn’t get your bonus, which is what some of the older couriers opted for having issues about being branded and being a mobile advertisement board for the company. There was a lot of discontent and moaning at the wall where we sat waiting for work, and in the end we agreed to have a meeting to stand up against the company that was changing rules without consulting us.

Not so much unlike the situation that arose in my present company last year when job prices were cut without a warning and for a while the atmosphere in the Corner was ROTTEN. Although in another country, another company and another time, for me there were parallels that made me look back at the Cyclone action and look for an explanation of why I felt so uncomfortable around the issue this time in London.

In Dublin, in the first one or two meetings all the old heads were present (who, apparently, were branded “agitators” in the Cyclone offices). Then, mostly for reasons that I either can’t recall or never was aware of in the first place, a number of couriers left. One moved to Australia, James quit couriering and got another job (although stayed in touch and helped with everything), someone else went traveling. Somebody left once the pay rise planning got on the way – their plans for the future revolved around the Cyclone office and naturally they didn’t want be involved in anything to upset their future employer.

As a result, I was left being one out of a handful of “experienced” couriers in the fleet, and the one who was the most determined about not letting Cyclone get away treating their riders as they did.

At this point we had already formulated, signed and sent a letter to Cyclone explaining the issue and saying what we wanted. It was all tied around the new uniform and accepting it and detailed better pay, better bonus and fairer rules for getting the bonus. And we wanted a water dispenser for the office, who the hell it was who got that one included I unfortunately can’t recall.

We had had a meeting with Kevin Oliver and Simon and got back a plain response of “No, keep dreaming”.

After the initial letter and meeting, it seemed that practically the whole fleet had changed and the whole pay rise action was in my hands to keep it going, if I wished. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do, I suppose I didn’t know what it was that I wanted or what we wanted, but I started digging.

The Big Bad U.

There was something fundamentally wrong about how couriers were employed and how they were treated. I started taking days off to visit the labour courts, The Department of Work and Employment, to read up on cases in Employment Tribunals. We met up with Big Neal and James, it was Neal I think who set up a connection with the Communication Worker’s Union, who were first interested and soon enthusiastic about setting a subdivision for couriers.

Before I even knew, this thing in my hands had grown from a simple pay rise battle within one company into action potentially involving the labour courts and an attempt into unionizing the couriers to achieve better working conditions.

It was around this time that it begun to feel more serious and I started to feel the weight of it on me and my job being under threat.

The responses to unionizing from older couriers, especially from motor bikes were daunting. That’s been tried before. They (companies) will never let you do that. You’ll be sacked and nobody will hire you. You’ll be blacklisted. Don’t mention the Big U-word. Couriers are too transient a work force to be unionized. And anyway, we don’t want to be unionized – do you want to be licenced? Have a daily wage instead of a commission?

Someone told me the motorbikes had gone quite far in unionizing, but that in the end it fell apart, I think it had to do with paying the membership fees, or where the money went or something, and those that had been involved as central figures got into trouble.

I was adamant that it should be at least tried. From my perspective, the companies were exploiting the people on the road, it simply didn’t go with my concept of (social) justice that someone could get richer without ensuring that the basic needs of the people doing the actual work were looked after. Did I already mention being naive?

In my investications I discovered what the story was behind deducting tax and PRSI at source. Apparently nobody used to pay tax, until the Revenue went to the major companies, Cyclone being one of these, and more or less gave them a choice of either starting to deduct tax from their contractors’ pay at a flat rate of 20% or have the Revenue start investigations into the companies records. It is easy to see which option they would pick.

Somehow I managed to get hold of a signed and stamped statement from the Revenue that clarified my status as an employee. Staff at the Department of Work and Employment went through their information and guidelines and helped me tick boxes that were heavily weighing on the employee side.

Unionizing and getting ready to open a case in the Employment Tribunal had became the main objectives, but the pay rise battle continued on the side. Somehow all the new couriers were quite open to the idea of “rebelling” and thoughts and plans about possible avenues of action were in the air.

It seems to me that this was something Cyclone was not aware of at the time as all they knew was that myself together with nr10 would turn up in the office with a letter from the couriers, sometimes signed by everyone, but not always, and be crucified in the small office trying to hold defence agains two slick business men with power and experience.

It was my responsibility to produce the letters and have them signed by the couriers, and I never thought back to that until last year when I found myself holding a letter to my present company to be signed by the push-bike fleet and felt my hands shaking. All kinds of irrational fears run through my head and the paper more or less burned my skin – I remember saying to x that I couldn’t do it and I did explain why and later even regretted explaining, feeling that I could probably be sacked just on the grounds of what I had been involved in in Dublin.

Then someone else in the Corner made a remark about the working conditions and sick pay and getting organized and a Union… I just got really angry and told the person where they could stick their thoughts, that it can’t be done, why it can’t be done and to just shut up and keep that U-word under the carpet where it belongs before the wrong person over hears it and passes it on to the company together with the names of those who were heard talking about it.

A fine level of paranoia!  Looking back though, my response was almost word for word what I was told in my time in Dublin.

So, finally the circulating of letters with Cyclone came to an end, Cyclone said they simply can’t afford any of the things we were asking for and we said that well, we are asking for them, though.  Kevin and Simon called for a meeting after work on a Thursday clearly confident and certain of themselves.

At the wall words like wild-cat strike were ping-ponged between couriers – what were we to do if they said no? All call in with a puncture? All switch off at once? Could we trust each other? How could we trust each other when Conor starts ringing the rounds:

“Are you going to pick up this package — no? — you’re sacked.”

I remember Zippy stopping at the wall asking me:

“How’s the Revolution going?”

I said “Well”, and showed a brave face, but I was scared and uncertain. I was under a good bit of stress without realizing it. Talking about taking action at the wall had ballooned into action much bigger and much more serious – in my own and in Dublin’s courier world scale – than I had envisaged. On top of that, I didn’t really know what I was doing, or why I was doing it. It was something I’d stepped into and now had to keep on going.

Come that Thursday, it was already November I think, the whole autumn had gone in the process, I made my way to the offices very unsure and worried. Kevin and Simon seemed to think we didn’t stand a change, that, in fact, as the workforce had changed, nobody was interested except me and couple of others. It is weird but I don’t have a memory of the whole thing, I do remember sitting in the base facing Kevin, but not how I got there, whether there was anyone there before me or if the couriers were there first or if it was Kevin and Simon there first.

The meeting.

Everybody turned up. Every single courier, new and old sat in that room quiet and waiting. Everybody, without a word.

Somebody said to me later – “Did you see their faces? They didn’t think we’d be there.”

Having everybody in the room together changed it all. Individually, we were nothing. Together, we were a force to reckon with.

Every single thing we had asked for, we got. Except the water dispenser.

The next day I did 60 dockets for the first time. I cycled like a lunatic, like a prisoner who had just been released. Cycled it all out. Somehow I felt that Conor, my controller – and I could be totally wrong – was quietly happy with what we’d done and gave me the work that day.

Aftermath.

I was relieved and happy to leave it behind and never do it again, never have anything to do with the Big U, with organizing, with confronting employers, bosses, companies, never even think about unfair conditions or how to improve them. The work I had done for Unionizing, sourcing information and contacts, all meaningless. I didn’t want it anymore. I only wanted to do my work quietly and not be bothered.

I was sour, too. I had done something, we had done something, but it didn’t fix the problem. Nothing had changed. It was still the big boys and the small boys and no justice. Also, I still wasn’t clear about why I’d done it. Not for many more years.

Out of the disappointment grew the idea of leaving, going somewhere else to do the same job, job that I was only beginning to love. What was the obvious destination? London, of course.

I left all my union – labour law – employment material with Big Neal wishing him the best but not imagining much would really come out of it – not because he couldn’t do it, but because it seemed like an impossible task.

Nr 10 organized a big Christmas/ leaving/ DBMA party where Crazy Horse Conor turned up with a spade and used it as a bongo stick in the tiled toilets – there’s another pub where the couriers aren’t welcome back. We packed our stuff, I found a good courier to replace us and we moved to London.

Graham later told me that Cyclone took back the  pay rise early the following year but I don’t remember the details of this. I’ve also been told that having learned their lesson they scared the next generation of “agitators” and “trouble makers” quiet, and although there was another uprising the following year for all I know they didn’t get results.

Consequences

Four years later nr10 rang Conor from Finland asking for work for us over the Christmas period. Conor said to ring back the next day. Next day the answer was:

“As much as I’d like to, NO.”

Not welcome back.

I got work with Securispeed instead, and although I didn’t regret, felt very sorry for not being able to go back with the company I’d started with. A year later in 2006 we were back in Dublin, to stay this time, and I was looking for work with Pony or someone.

“So you’ve worked as a courier here before?”

“Yes”

“Who were you with”

“Cyclone”

“Why don’t you go back with them?”

He knew about the payrise battle, Dublin is only small.

Luckily, there were still companies where it was a merit to have caused trouble with “The Enemy” as long as the U-word was safely kept out of the premises. I went back with Securispeed and stayed with them nearly until the time they were sold to – who else but Cyclone. They called it “a merge”, but quickly enough the good Securispeed dockets started going to the Cyclone bases, Securispeed staff were let go, and Securispeed couriers found themselves looking for work elsewhere.

But that’s beside the point. That’s just “I hate Cyclone and so do my friends”.

Amusingly, nr10 was still with Securispeed when it got swallowed by Cyclone in 2008. Through people in the Securispeed office I heard about the meetings around the merge “We had awful trouble with him and herself. And he wouldn’t wear the uniform.” To which the office manager of Securispeed was able to reply “Well, he put my uniform on for me.” Eventually nr10 left but he left with the Cyclone uniform that had sparked the whole thing off – without ever having to pay for it.

London.

2003 in London I had my first proper conversation with Bill and for some reason the pay rise came up. I said I regretted doing it and was never going to do it again.

The reasons for this only became clear to me when I was holding that letter to my company here last year. Again, I had got involved. I was being very vocal about how I felt about my company cutting the prices – and quite scared about being so vocal. I engaged in the conversation and planning and writing up a letter. I volunteered to do the minutes of the meeting.

I kept on questioning myself, what am I  doing? Why am I doing it? Have I not learned my lesson? How is this going to be any different from Dublin? What kind of an idiot am I? Yet I couldn’t let it go, couldn’t let it be, couldn’t not do it.

What was happening with my company in London was, as far as I could see, that it was far too easy to pass on the loss of trade to the couriers, who were already suffering with the economic downturn. If we didn’t stand up and say no, it would happen over and over again as times would get tougher. It was about money, but not only about money (nor was Dublin, though). It was again the same principle of justice, and protecting the weaker, smaller, more vulnerable party.

Not only that. Last year, it was the rotten, angry, awful atmosphere at the Corner that needed an outlet and an expression. We could not go on moaning and cursing at each other, it was unbearable. It needed to come out and the manner in which it would come out needed to be moderated so as to avoid any harm to ourselves or to our company.

Once I’d figured out these answers for myself, I felt more comfortable to follow it up and do what I thought was needed. I felt relieved when it was over, but had no problems and no regrets.

In Dublin, as  I understand now, and this doesn’t matter for anybody else except myself, there was an element of personal vendetta. I went after the company who didn’t look after me when I got hurt, it is as simple as that. As much as my motive was causing trouble to Cyclone and not the rights of the courier, I was doing the wrong thing.

In London last year, there was no personal vendetta, no revenge, no hatred. I didn’t really wish for a change nor did I expect one, and therefore felt no disappointment. I was simply involved in an expression of discontent and in mild resistance to further worsening of conditions.

The working conditions? I haven’t thought about them for years. I’ve accepted them as a state of affairs which is thus. Every time I’ve had to sign that piece of paper in a new company though… if the pen I was holding had feelings it would not want to go on living.

Uniforms? Nothing against them except the fact that you run a risk of getting a phone call after you from an angry driver/pedestrian.

Company vs. courier? Neaaaah. Who cares.

Union? Who would really want one.

Just deliver the packages and try not to ask too many questions.

Edit:

Workers’ Solidarity Movement on the Cyclone action.

More on Revolution: Maybe it is good to ask questions, after all.

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What a Day.

March 7, 2010

This all quite unrelated, but since I’m lying in bed with little to do might as well write.

Last week I heard some news that made me think I won’t be on the road for all that much longer. That again made me think of simple things like:

  • What’s the funniest day I’ve had?
  • What’s the worst day I’ve had?

The worst day was a day-after-an-alleycat-night in Amsterdam with nr 10, Mimi, Heather, Nasty, Kamaal and Marco. I woke up in the morning with a headache, deeply scratched face and mouth swollen spitting out teeth. I’m sure you know how it is.

“What happened?”

“You cycled off in a huff and we found you wrapped around a lamp post around the corner”

“Where’s my bike?”

“You couldn’t even walk so your bike is locked in town.”

Did we know Amsterdam is the promised land and heaven of skilled bicycle thieves? We do now. And so do you. Don’t leave your bike there overnight no matter what lock you have.

Back in town both mine and nr10’s bikes are gone, only the front wheels are left leaning against the wall. No bikes, no teeth, no face – sure enough we resolve the situation by finding the nearest coffee shop and taking it from there to sweet oblivion.

Maybe you remember my bike? It was one of the Bontragers that were handmade before Bontrager sold to Trek and the loveliest thing on the planet even if heavy and god did I love it! I bought it in Oslo, it had been lying in the warehouse for a while waiting for me. It was the only thing (and a rucksack) I had arriving in Dublin looking for work. There I saw an ad looking for “push-bike couriers” and the rest is history.

Back in London myself and nr10 were broke so that’s when we built fixies from any old parts that were lying around in the house and on the streets (remember the Raleigh Banana that was lying on Goodge St for months and nobody took it… until we did… and the Quando hub shell that was missing the works that Bill said would make a nice candle holder and the 28″ steel rim from Queen Anne’s Sq that Pete of Wells St found a tire for) and glued the sprockets on and no we didn’t put brakes on them because we didn’t have any and yes we learned to cycle them very quickly for the sake of staying alive even if we couldn’t skid because the sprocket would unscrew until we reglued it on better (and later had to blow torch it off when we rebuilt that wheel onto a lighter rim).

It was awful but fun in a way. Resourceful and creative in the same way as squatting and scavenging and skipping for food.

What a Day #2.

So that was the worst day. The funniest day is actually very recent and I don’t know what was going on but it was like the world was having hiccups on me.

1. Left my XDA on top of a fence at pickup.

At drop-off reached to get it out of my pocket… other pocket… third pocket… bag… eaaaaah crap.

Have you noticed how you never cycle as fast as trying to cover your own fkups?!

Back at pick-up address found the XDA where I’d left it and POD’d the job in front of the woman who had given it to me and was now looking at me wondering what was going on and if this girl was ever going to make a move with her Urgent Direct.

2. Set off a fire alarm.

In a sudden shower of urgent work I was trying to find my way out of a foyer but couldn’t spot the “open the door” button so instead pushed the button in the centre of a square red box that was positioned on the side of the door. Christ if they have CCTV in that hall there was a courier bouncing off all four walls in panic trying to get out with the bells ringing for WW3.

No, there was no “open the door” button. It was a “turn the handle and walk out”. Or run out, in my case.

3. Got stuck in a lift between floors.

The mobile worked so I rang my dispatcher who rang the client who apparently laughed on the phone “Oh, really?!” She then came out and gave me a shout down the shaft where I was sitting suspended and a tad claustrophobic:

“Ah there you are, wait there we’ll get someone don’t go anywhere… not like you could [chuckle]”.

Wait til I get to you!

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When You Use Your Face As a Brake

March 5, 2010

It hurts.

  • Place: Dunkery Rd, SE9, 8.05am
  • Damage: Face, wrist, thumb, finger, hip, knee, knee.
  • Cause: Roadbike+downhill+uneven icy patch.

I sat down on the grass. Rang work that I’m not coming in. Sorted out my bike that was left and right. Went back home but didn’t cry.

And no, I’m not posting this (just) to get sympathy. Since I started coming off my bike again it’s always Mr B in the box and he must be thinking I’m joking or something so here’s the evidence (& self observed clinical manifestations of shock):

  • mumbled speech
  • slowness
  • muddy thinking
  • slight tremble
  • palpitations
  • forgetting words
  • confusion and forgetfulness
  • freezing cold hands
  • sleepiness after initial hyperactivity

I can’t wait for the swelling to start. This is going to be very pretty.

It happened right in front of a bus stop and I felt quite embarrassed until a big bloke in full lycra came down the same hill and took the same spill. He limped off and looking at the face on him went home to cry.

A woman at the bus stop came over as I sat on the grass and gave me tissue. I couldn’t feel my face which isn’t a nice feeling so asked for a mirror. Not too bad. Not spitting out teeth or any of that shit.

Now, by the unspoken rule you say “Oh yeah I came off, no it was nothing”. Scrap that. It was a proper tumble. Thankfully my head was wrapped in a scarf and a hat and a hoodie, without them it would’ve been quite a bit worse. Thankfully I fall like a ragdoll, light and without much resistance. Thankfully I didn’t hit the curb.

Again it was unreal how much time there was to think and observe, time really is a relative property. Coming off… shit… OUCH head first oh no, not the HEAD… oh a soft blow alright… now… face… on tarmac… skin… ey UH… still in full motion… now how will this end… round and one more time… uh… standstill… oh let’s see…

Back home I rummage around quite unco-ordinatedly, get one of my mom’s tea towels that she made herself when she was young it has the right kind of energy about it to clean the scratches and soften the spill. Yun Nan Bai Yao stings like hell but will ease the swelling and is an antiseptic.

What’s funny is that I was thinking last night and this morning that it didn’t feel right going to work. After Wednesday, inside of me, I felt I needed to say no to it just once to regain balance, my instinct said to ring and say I’m not coming in. But I let some stupid sense of dependability override my instinct.

Well, looks like the the spill decided it for me and I’ll be having a long awaited day in bed.

ps. While I’m at it, @ Bill & brakes & safety: I have never ever had even a half serious accident on a brakeless fixie but always on a road bike with good brakes and mostly away from city centre traffic. Brake on a fixie is just an excuse for not learning to cycle properly. And it unbalances the bike. And gets rid of all the nice hand positions no matter where you position the lever. There you are.

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How unreasonable…

March 1, 2010

How unreasonable men are! They never use the liberties they have, yet they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.

Søren Kierkegaard: Either – Or, 1843

I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations – one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it – you will regret both.

S.K.

Once you label me you negate me.

S. K.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

S. K.

Seb.

I didn’t know Seb. But this made me cry. How unreasonable… not the tears, but the loss.